Misc. Writings

Second Life - Journey beyond

2012-01-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

Life's Origins

2012-01-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

//Before I begin with something,

I'm happy for myself and grateful to my family for the freedom they have given me, which helped me in doing experiments with my life. I'm struggling to death every moment, not to misuse the freedom I have gained and not to breach the trust they bestowed upon me. I hope I will make them happy in near future.

As I believe in this "individuality", I always try to trace the sources of my learning and stay conscious all time to be grateful to these sources.

My friend Sai Kumar Chityala, he it is who has been giving me all the moral strength since my childhood, to be what I wish to be on any day. As always, I wish he would continue to be with me during all my tough times and good times.

And, My other friend Sunil Savaram, who has been with me since my college times and helped me in becoming a better human. Most of what I am now, is what I've learnt with his inspiration. Other friends Vishnu Madadi, Avanthika Ghosh and Kartheek Kanumuru inspired me in many ways and helped me in the times I needed. They have been the sources, as I could identify, for the paradigm shift in my thinking and planning. Many other friends played their role in my life.

At the end of any day in my life, I have/will have this mere realization that whatever good I have within, is something that I have inherited from my family and friends, and the bad is being taken from this world.

I will end this up to begin with what actually I wanted to share...//

For a while now, all you need is little patience!!

2012-01-17T01:17:00.000-08:00

For a while now,

Living with memories...
Cherishable every moment of past is!
Saved, each of All-moments!
And, Being carried all the times,
in a mixture of flavored memories!

At the end of all relations,
Might it be fair or unfair!
Might one be innocent or depraved!
End of a relation, if there is!
Immature everyone is...!!

So am I.

=============================

Just began a new journey, with all smiles...!
Journey beyond relations, no way!
There is a way, anyway, beyond past...!
Paving a way in the present
To realize, reality is wrong, and,
Dreams are for real...!
Exploring within...
Exploring the world...
To turn dreams into reality...!
Awaiting to feel and experience,
The unpredictable and surprising future.

All you need is just little patience!!

-r@ul

thank you for sharing this life...

2012-01-05T02:48:00.000-08:00

Dearest,

//This phase of life is a change of phase in my life. While my soul character remains the same, You might identify/might've identified little change in me. It turned up as a need for me so is this change. I hope you will understand it as you see it for a while then.

Your appreciation, for whatever I did/do, gave me/will give me enormous strength to face life as it comes.
Your forgiveness for whatever I did/do, did/will let me commit not to let them repeat again.

I thank you for everything. Also, I'm sorry about few things.

I'm glad for each of you for appreciating my fundamental life ethics, for the care that you shower upon me, for sharing your love for me, and for sharing this life.//
*********************

This is a personal message that I've sent in public but is meant only to few people from my life. So no comments on this.

With love,
-r@ul.

Nine Friends...! - ACIDS through my senses.

2011-05-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's the title of the book I'm planning to write in future, in case I find it still worth then, to write about, among many other aspects of my life.

Dream

2010-12-24T20:13:00.001-08:00

Source: Internet Search.

Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.

2010-12-15T12:42:00.000-08:00

Reality is wrong, dreams are for real.

I loved this phrase as I listened to it. I got to understand something out of it and was finding it so catchy. I started googling this phrase to know it's where-abouts.

I was surprised to see that these words were spoken by Tupac Shakur(2pac), who was an American rapper I never knew before. He lived just 25years. Many words he spoke were quoted. It was not just that he was an American rapper or a style icon but there was more.

I'm not yet good at picturing a person, but I'm sure he'd be interesting to you too. Just start moving your thoughts with this phrase I mentioned above and google further. You may also try to observe his personality, his reactions to the actions, situations and issues of his contemporary world.

P.S: Reality is wrong, dreams are for real.
My understanding of it was like,
Reality is affected not just by you, but, also by this world. It can be anything, if you never mind/dream. Because if you don't dream and make it real, reality is zero affected by you and the world may give you the reality that can be anything. What you assume today as reality is wrong tomorrow when you are an ignorant towards the world's actions(if you never include them to understand the reality. Infact, you can't consider all the factors).
So, reality is wrong.
Your dreams are a result of only your wishes and your experiences and are exclusively yours. Make them real and make reality not just anything but something that you wish/dream.

Signs of bond

2010-12-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

Hi there,

Its just kind of a letter post addressing to everyone else and myself.

I, being relaxed these days, after a little struggle for something that turned useless :(, am plotting new sketches that, I thought, would help me mold myself in a better way.

It's been long since I had a look at my attitude. It's been real long since I considered people and their attitude I face, and, so were I able to find the need to make changes to my attitude. I've been used to this SameAttitude-ToEveryone, and this made me smile for giving equality(_;)_) among all, irrespective of anything, even when there's a difference in anyone's attitude. This attitude I have now made me and majority of my relations comfortable, excepting a very few who had no issue with me but my life style and worry that I might turn unproductive with the way I lead life now.

I always enjoyed this life style. Neither I regret for anything happened because of this lifestyle nor I complain anyone for disturbing my lifestyle. If it was possible I would have preferred to enjoy this lifestyle all through out my life as long as there's a progress in reaching my interests.

However, slowly, I'm able to see that I can't reach my interests with this way of living and that I need to upgrade my lifestyle in a manner that would make me and everyone else more comfortable and happy and at the same time I don't loose my hard earned attitude but make little changes as it requires. :)

I have made my thoughts and I'm very eager to give an implementation. You know, its very necessary, for people of "my kind", to seek for a new platform and a new society when you want to try something on yourself. At least I shall have to gain a different perspective of the society I'm in and let it perceive a different face of me. However, for people of my kind, the society you are in now shall never help you achieve it, nor, at least you can get detached from the past attachments with the current platform. I have thus made up my mind to jump into a group of strangers who always have to identify me yet. I will give them a new but true definition of myself. This myself shall help me reach my interests. This is my sketch as a whole.

I've decided to give an implementation. Anyway, I'm scared If I might loose any relation as I try doing this? Before all or at least after all, My relations are hard earned as well. So I thought I would give you my updates this way and I expect the same. Yes, I'm talking about comments.

I consider them more as wishes and as signs of our bond. :P

PS: Don't give much stress to your brain or heart. It's just something I want to try. Just touch my shoulder and push me as hard as possible towards my interests. :P

Bye for now.

r@ul.

Never miss anyone for any reason.

2010-03-15T12:40:00.001-07:00

I lost one of my best buddies ever, a few years ago. I got to feel how it would be if you 'really' miss someone.

I actually trained my mind so am I used, to remain silent with no thoughts in mind and to recall our memories, every time when I remember this friend.

It has been really long that I was idle. When I'm idle, I do many things, being online being one of them. When I'm idle and come online, I come online just for no reason but go through the wwweb and through all my friends profiles to get to know more about them.

I usually go through this friend's profile... but today was different. I found this friend's profile deactivated...!

I felt like missing my friend again.

My mind was unable to act as I trained it.

I was grinder-ed with a bunch of thoughts that almost sucked my breath.

Of those thoughts... I don't understand how this thought was initiated but was prioritized...

"never to miss any relation for any reason...!"

I promised myself so.

- r@ul.

switch(manipulation(thought))

2010-03-11T18:44:00.000-08:00

main(human_behaviour)
{
defined you, me, evry1else!, man and the_world;

switch(concern)
{
case 1:
concern(you)
fuck(evry1else!)

case 2:
concern(me)
fuck(you!)

case 3:
concern(the_world)
fuck(man!)

exclaim "what's going on?"

}
}

Low Attitude...!!

2010-01-31T09:19:00.000-08:00

Before I tell you something, let me let you learn that "I refer to this phrase 'low attitude' as 'not the attitude you want to be with but is what you are with now'." So when I say you are a person with low attitude, then your attitude is not the attitude you want to have for yourself.

I learnt to rule this world as I define it in a specific perspective. I learned to perceive everything in a specific way and then to rule the world my way. But now, I want to perceive the world in different aspects, to say, in "all" aspects so that I will be sure I am facing the 'real' world, that my perspective is at least nearer the truth.

Somethings have disturbed the silence only which I only had with me. I could see that I am not what I was before. I could find the rapid changes that took place in my day-to-day running, my lifestyle, my thought process and my response and reactions to the world's actions... I am frequently going through different stages of frustration because of the not-asked questions that I kept within and also because of the trials that I make to find their answers in the texts that run out of pages.

To tell you something, I'm suffering from low attitude these days. I could see an emotional and behavioral imbalance in my personality. I've been going through this world in different perspectives since from a short period of my lifetime. I felt the need of a different attitude for me and the urgency to gain this attitude asap is leading me to suffer from this low attitude. I realized the immediate need of change in my attitude through the direct experience I had and by learning from the world's experiences.

I welcomed this change however. I wanted to be on this way so am I struggling with the new ways of surviving like this, in this world. I was upset for loosing the silence I had with me but I hope now that whatever I am doing leads me to achieve the total tranquility of my mind...!

P.S: Have a lot more to write here... will do it some other time. :-)

I am voting. Are you?

2009-04-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

"Change" is the term that everyone adores. Though sometimes we want things to be the same as what has been the case, there is an element called 'betterment' that adds/increases productivity to/in the system through an improvement over what it has been, that lets each of us to chant for change. Change is constant but leads us to receive two results, worsening or betterment.

What is your present situation now? Worst? Worse?? Better??? the best:-? You can not rate it without referring to any other situation. It depends as is the case with any other. You are in worst situation now, when compared to the recent good olden days. You might be better now when you see it with a feel good factor. Or You might have also felt that you are in the best situation over all what you have faced and you might wish things be the same. It is comparative. You always have a reference point when you rate something.

When you think beyond this, with no reference frames, you will always find something that at some point of time, you feel like it would have been better to what it was if your decision was something else to what you actually chose.

'Need' has something to do with change. When you 'need' something you want something to be changed. Your need might be either instantaneous or eventual and long-lasting.

If you are conscious of your need in a social point of view, we are needed to choose between two things.
1) Soothing our need temporarily or to see the results immediately that may not produce a permanent solution(In our case, especially).
2) Planting the seed and wait for the SYSTEM that will, at some point of time, give us solutions that lasts for long.

And, This is one of the few most important chances that one get to make a decision.

By no chance, Have I decided to miss the voting this time. I am 25 now, where in a number of election processes have already been passed, and, I have not yet involved in the elections through voting. This time, I strongly wanted to be a part of the process and I got my voter ID, and :), unless I don't find my name in the voters list at the polling booth, I would be sure voting this time.

Agenda is not the only thing to look for. I would like to see a political party that plays a political opposition to be matured, problem conscious and solution oriented. And, I would like to see a political party that governs us to be more matured to receive criticism and with a problem solving approach.

I am not here to campaign for any political party but I want you to plant the seed.

As ever, Never Stop Learning!

2008-07-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

The dark past
The hopeful future!
Either of the two
Is where you live in!!

Not the present but it is
a phase you are in!
a stage to transform the self!
where quarrels,
the past and the future!!

Wins either
Of the two
To be the past
For the then present
That has a bright future
As always one has...!! :-)

P.S: If the present is not used as the phase to 'learn' and transform the self but to 'cherish/neglect' the past or the future that has just transformed into the present, The future of the present would always be dark or unclear...

How to Create a Google profile

2008-06-26T06:40:00.001-07:00

Google Profiles will be integrated in most Google services so you have a coherent identity and a simple way to manage your contacts.

"A Google Profile is simply how you represent yourself on Google products — it lets you tell others a bit more about who you are and what you're all about. You control what goes into your Google Profile, sharing as much (or as little) as you'd like."

The new Google profiles are already available in Shared Stuff, Google Maps, Google Reader and will be added to other web applications. For example, in Google Maps you'll find the link to your profile at the top of the page.

You can create a user profile which allows other Google Products users to view your maps and reviews, plus additional information you want to display about yourself. To create your profile:

GO TO Google Maps

At the top of the page, click My Profile.
Click Create my profile under your name. A profile page appears showing your information, maps you have created and reviews of these maps.
Edit you profile as you want. Click Add Picture to include an image in your profile.
Click Save.

Its done. You can edit your profile anytime, following the same above procedure while you find Edit my profile in place of "Create my profile". :)

switch(manipulation(thought))

2008-06-26T00:39:00.000-07:00

Promise only what you can deliver

2008-01-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

Promise only what you can deliver!!

Does it mean anything to you? May it or may not. Depends on your* necessity level to realize "it".

I'm talking about it because it meant to me now. It meant to me even before but I never ever put a thought on it. I can realize it now. The necessity level being the apex. I am making a sale of 10 hours of my day to gain something that's not as much productive as the other things I did before in that span. The reason being "to be more productive in the long term". So I was left with only 14 hours a day. In these 14 hours I have to sleep, I have to wake up, I have to clean myself and go come back from office, I have to meet friends, I have to talk to friends on phone, I have to eat and I have to plan for everything and the list goes on owing to the relations you keep with this world.

The list doesn't need to go on since you can restrict it saying a "NO" to yourself for some of the above actions. You can sort the list and cut it short keeping productive things in and the others out. And, proper responce to your relations keeps your list in your hands.

Before this, You should be able to "not to promise things that you can not do". You should be able to say "May be, I can't" or simply "Sorry, I can't" or a "No", instead of saying a "Yes" or "Ok" or "Ok, I will". Not only to others but also to yourself.

All I could do when I tried that way was... "Ok, no cleaning today". No bathing. I could not sleep on time. I could not wake on time. So I said "No" to bathing. The situation gets balanced till then. I go come from the office. Now I have number of things to do. I make calls to friends and wish to mark up a meeting on some point of time. I recieve calls from few other friends who wish to mark up a meeting. I say "Yes, Ok, I will". I don't know why I say this. If it's because I got habituated to saying Okays' or because I feel I can manage time. Meanwhile, I will be having some other commitments which jumps into the situations with no prior intimations. They are must to do things because I call them commitments. By the time I reach home, I don't deliver my promises to friends that I will meet them then. My commitments remain pending. And I miss some of them forever. Now, Its too late to sleep when I get into bed and I don't wake up at the time I have decided to. And, I say, the next day, "no cleaning myself today". Life goes on.

Yep. I am habituated or infact I got addicted to promising things. To myself or to others. I respond positively for every request or order or proposal. I promise things which I don't do. The point of "can do" or "can't do" is absent here. All that matters is time. Whether I do it or I don't. I don't do anything on time. Point to be noted. I don't do anything on time. The reason may owe to the fact that I keep more than sufficient number of tasks in hand or that I don't manage time efficiently. Whatever. I don't do anything on time.

I fail to deliver things on time. To me or to anyone else.

PS1- "things" include everything.
* "you", "your" and "I" tends to "me" in this post.
PS2- Post meant to refresh myself.

Statement: I am good at office work. :)
Proof : Office hours doesn't include the day schedule. ;)

Post Vs. Hitcounter

2007-11-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

Interest...!

Something that is necessary for the initiation of anything that you try to do. If you are interested in something, it takes you to think further and make steps further. You think, and then, You try doing it. Here it goes...

Interest is something that does not stop at some level. It may take branching or looping. Or it may take you to the next level of interest.

The interest, that initiates some task, might be on the task or on the results of the task. You are interested in doing something but you don't care of its result or else, may be, you have got to do something which you are actually not sure if you really like it but only because you are really interested in the result, that the sheer interest of how you perform in it. This has a relation with the interest level.

I am used to talking about things that forms a base of any topic that I wanted to post and this actually takes more space in my posts. All that I wrote in the previous paras is just to tell you about the blog hit counter that shows the number of visitors to my blogs. These days, my interest is more on the hits rather than writing something. I even thought of thinking about the stuff that might get more hits. It's however left as a thought which I later realized that I lost the interest in it since the hitcounter doesn't work up to my expectations.

I entered the blog world as I came to know about it since I was interested in this new way of exposing our thoughts. So, I started blogging. I don't know the basic reason(s) behind it. However, I could frame out the pros of blogging now.

- that I could improve my writing skills
- that I am exposed to the specific NEWS of bloggers
- that I have a platform to communicate with the world
- that I have an access to the universal information

- that I could(this is pro), now, analyze what really makes me interesting...

i.e., blogging something or the other. ;)

Rahul@Google

2007-10-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

How come?

Neither am I working with Google nor has I acquired any position there. Thing is that I was there at Google for an interview yesterday. (the word “Google” here refers to “Google Inc.” through out this post). And, I just wanted to blog out the happenings(happened things) over there.

Okay. Taking you further…

Rahul @ Google!! This is how I* defined myself when I assumed that I was working with google. This was because I didn’t want to be called as a googler. Actually, the Google was not going to treat me as a googler when I get into Google. Instead, I guessed I could be called as a Coogler. (my position these days was like…when ppl don’t understand words on phone, I would be explaining them like… C for Contract, …, G for Google, …, I for Incentives etc.).

By now you would be trying to figure out what I was panning about. Okie, It was a contract job, which could be extended over a period as per google’s needs, of course. Adding to this, I came to know that – I won’t be provided with Google’s I-card (It’s a privilege actually to have an Google I-card, for me at least including around 16000 googlers) - that I’ll be given a C-card, indicating C for contract. (when I was done with my interview and returning back I observed the security wearing I-cards, written a BIG ‘c’ in red color… hmm). So, I wouldn’t be called a googler. I didn’t want to be called a Coogler either.

There at this point, I defined myself as “Rahul@Google”. It was cool actually. Wasn’t it? Hehe.

Okay. Let's come to the actual point. That’s about Google culture and the interview (who bothers?). I could see that many of the casual principles of Google were apt for its work culture like “you don’t need to be evil to earn money” or “work should be challenging and the challenge should be fun” blah blah blah. Of them all, what attracted me much was the ‘refreshments room’. There is no surprise that a guy who dreamed of building a great body, who tried many times and went through failures(there’s only one reason for this, that I felt like It would be wonderful if I had the diet at my desk or at a hand-distance away, which I never had), would be arttacted to that. The refreshments were sufficient enough for making your body both interms of building it and becoming fat were seen -from drinks(cool…), hot stuff, variety of chocolates and buiscates, noodles, coffee tea -to all the nuts(cashew nuts, pea nuts and other nuts)*. * - Conditions doesn’t apply there, everything for free.

One of the interview candidates defined the situation like google’s idea was like “you work for food, we provide them right here, so work hard”. However, we had enough of everything. And everyone of us had thrown a pair of chocolates into our pockets and bags. That’s the only opportunity that could be grabbed by all the candidates.We made the best use of it.
Yeah, I used “we” in the previous para. “We” were seven, appearing for the interview. Each of us were there at Google by 3.30PM. The interview has begun at around 5.30. The first and last half-an-hour’s were left for waiting for a call for the interview. The remained hour was spent at the refreshments room. That was really a fun-time which reminded me of google’s principles at workplace. We were hardly concerned that we were going to attend interview or that we were in the workplace of an American Public Incorporation. This attitude would be the effect of the coolest principles , this was my assumption but it was broken with a reward of soft warning. That’s how we spent the time before the interview has begun. We shared everything that was required for the job profile and for the interview.

“We will discuss and let you know later”, this was the response ‘we’ received for our outstanding performance. :)

PS: - The results are not yet out.
- Why Google? “the #1 company to work with, its workplace amenities, culture, global popularity and strong brand recognition attracted me much” this was my answer when started at coll. There I just wanted to simply point my fingers towards the refreshments room. BTW I wasn’t asked the question.
- My interest in the job was googled(10pow100 times) after I came to know about the gym and refreshments room which were on either side of our(?) workplace.
- Hardly I could see non-fatty girls(women?) there. - I may get the job. I may not. That’s how I performed.

HappY DaYs!!

2007-10-07T11:35:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time was there a place
which lead a happy turn of phase
'chandanagar room' as one used to say
I used to stay there giving no pay!

six in number were the esti-mates of room
often, joined another six, with no signs of shame
all have a stop there, though, not on the way
when returned from coll, at the end of the day!

they used to do what? was just a mystery
and everyone leaves the room hardly
they had thier home, not far away
still they saw home just once a day!

they played they faught
they tried and were tied
friends are forever is what they realized!!
.........................................

"I'm always welcome in any gathering"... says orkut :)

2007-08-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

"You are always welcome in any gathering"

This is a fortune note displayed today in my orkut profile. Orkut displays these fortune notes everyday. But I was attracted to today's fortune. There are some reasons behind it.

1. These days I have been attending marraiges, inspite of recieving any invitations. For some I have invitations to go with. For others, I'm joining my friends. :)

2. I have two gatherings to attend in this month. One with my classmates. Another with my graduate friends.

Of the above, I often join people regardless of their invitation. So, it is not uncommon for a guy like me getting attracted to the statements like this. Because they give strength to your atti.

he he.

Update... as on 18th Aug'07

2007-08-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well... its been ages since i've blogged anything. I thought of blogging only when i'm into some thoughts and these days i have become a guy with no thoughts. so is the reason for not putting any post for long time.

And now i can't see my blog so dumb. Adding to this, these days I'm enough bored of things that are happening around... tests that are being conducted since last one and half month(I love reading...but thw prob with me is I don't(can't) read during exams...)... and many other things addin to it. So I just wanted to update my blog by some means.
I thought its good to put anything that's in my mind when I open my blog, also to put the things that I come know, which I learn, things which keep me thinking and everything else. So is the post. Moreover, it helps me improve my writing skills and language usage bla bla bla... Soo, from now, i will be penning often...

try to bear my posts and comment whatever you want to say at.

BTW... these are my other blogs which are 'must read*' or 'worth reading*' of kind... go through them before you step in here...
http://www.alochanalochana.blogspot.com/
http://www.teluguwritings.blogspot.com/

thanks.

PS: Writing a PS is always nice.
* means 'in supporting me blogially'

PasS...

2006-09-22T21:42:00.001-07:00

At last I found my pass lying somewhere in the trash in the desk. I had searched high and low, and now, it would be too late for the class to attend.

“Ticket…Ticket!!” shouted the conductor, and, brought me to this world. “you…at the corner…” said, pointing me with raised eyebrows as if he was asking me. The bus was full of crowd and I sat on a corner, at the back of the bus, right beside the window.

It’s of no use trying to show him the pass in the crowd, I thought and said “pass…” assuring him with a submerged fairness in my voice. The conductor, in acknowledgement, turned to others and went on shouting “Ticket!!”

There were some instances when I traveled in the busses, in my school days I remember, with no pass and no ticket but I, shaking in my shoes about having to tell the conductor, “pass…”
But now, I was twenty three years of age, and I thought I was too matured to repeat such things, and these days, I learned to be a good man and a man of truth. So I bought a pass for myself.

After a while, while I was trying to find in my mind the shortest route to reach the class, the bus was stopped, to my surprise, exactly in a bus stop. Those who were trying to get into the bus were asked to wait, and, those who were getting down the bus were asked to show their tickets and, those were having the passes, passes.
My senses alerted me at once. For no reason? I thought. I looked into my pocket and took the pass out, as it was safe in it. The checking Inspector verified everyone’s, then came to me and asked, “Pass or ticket?”

“Pass” said I, and, showed him the pass. Having verified the pass, he gazed at me in surprise and said, giving the pass back, “check it yourself”. I looked into the pass and remained calm for seconds. That was the previous month’s pass and that too veera pass, belonging to another service.
“I didn’t observe. Sir, otherwise I would have taken the ticket” said I. I didn’t find any way, to prove my innocence, this time, when I was really innocent.
“No Problem, You can buy a ticket now” said he laughing with a trace of sircasm in it, then continued “Of course, with a fine Rs.50”
I was enough matured to obey the rules, So, I had to pay the sum of money and got down the bus with a glimpse of realization that – I need to be careful to be true.

Get the hell out of here...

2006-08-25T00:37:00.000-07:00

“Forgive me…vishal”, said shalini with tears welling up in her eyes. But the words did not reach him. Her lips were trembling and the words came out as a murmur.

“Should I believe in your tears?” he asked with extreme anger. No more did he felt emotionally attached to her. And she remained with no expressions but tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Nothing to say Shalini. Just stop this here” said he and left the place as she kept looking at him till he disappeared from her view. He didn’t tell anything emotionally, she thought, he was just trying to avoid me for what I have done.

He didn’t love me, she made herself sure.

What was it then, if not love? She questioned herself, “would have I done like this if it was really love?

She was unable to support herself from any side. She could not dare to say that, it was just a natural instinctive reaction that a girl who was unaware of what is what would surrender to the situation as she had. It hurt her more when she recalled that, what she felt as instinctive was not instinctive at all, but intended.

“I didn’t expect you this way, Kunal” She whispered with a feel of being deceived by him.

She had many questions and no way to find answers. She was told that, kunal had intentionally gone flirt with her, and did this, also heard that - he shared everything out and with pride that he did this for she was very proud of being the most beautiful and charming. Did I behave with pride? And she questioned herself, was I harsh with anybody anytime? Ah…I never used to respond to anyone immediately!! This might have made them feel so. But I didn’t know how to respond!! I was a bit reserved and I used to talk to everyone only after I was in love with vishal. After all, that was not love?

She made, for her satisfaction, many statements in support with her and developed some theories, too. She was used to speak to herself for she wanted to tell something to somebody which she could not. Some words were repeatedly running in her mind. "Making use of a girl for sensual pleasures is manipulation. Naming one as a friend and having sex intentionally is cruel. The word ‘intentionally’ should be put in inverted commas, she thought. She was little satisfied with this statement. Was kunal that cruel?

And she questioned herself, ‘then what were I? Weren’t I cunning, the intention to continue with vishal without telling him what I did? Ah...Had I done this or did it happen? Many thoughts went around her head and every time she felt the mistake with her. But I was innocent, she cried.

Sometimes... thoughts of her love reminded her of the sweet memories she had with him all the four years, in graduation and then immediately her experience with kunal dominated them and washed them away, quaking her at once giving a hard pain to the bottom of her heart. She fed up with her thoughts. Thoughts were killing her mind. She felt that it would be better if the mind would stop working at once.

“And this is going to be my fourth attempt”, she thought, it must be successful. She tried three times before to do so, but they went as unsuccessful.

Having this thought, she reached home. The place made her to think of another environment. She remembered Murali, now her classmate in her masters, with whom she used to share everything. She had heard from her friends that murali liked her and had the intention of marrying her. She doesn’t know whether he had the same intention now. She recalled the moment when murali came to give her a send-off.

“Best of luck and don't worry much, everything goes well”

“Murali, I don’t think so, I am not expecting any positive reply from him” said I.

“Have a little hope…”

“Hmm…” I sighed deeply and got into the bus.

And now I am back in the same bus with the same reply that I expected! a negative reply!!, asking me to stop this here…stop this life here?

She had no thoughts now and was relaxed. She called murali, immediately after reaching home.

“I just wanted to talk to you” said she with emotions.

“What did he say?”

“The same what I have expected before I started. Ptch…It was over already, and, yesterday was just hope, as you wanted me to, and now, its over” she smiled.

“Forget it and just be relaxed. You can start a new life…” he tried to cheer her looking at the poster on which written 'Whatever may the end be, start a new beginning'. This effort made no change in her.

“I don’t have the ability to come out of those thoughts” said she as the smile disappeared in her face.
“I can understand”

silence...

“Hey you know…I used to surprise when people say that someone attempted suicide and survived. I didn’t understand then how people could survive when they really wanted to die. But it has come true in my case for thrice. See the way how we find answers to some questions. and you know, a single reason is not enough to let us think of it”, and she added, “And it seems to me, now, that - the survival depends on the concept - survival of the existence – that facing the problems here in this world, and, facing the death needs the same dare ness. But then the concept comes into act…”

“Shalini…Please don’t talk about that. It scares me”

“Why?” she asked with at most interest, though she had not surprised for his response.

“I feel, people speak of something only when they think of it.”

Silence...

“Murali, I want to tell you something”

“What?”

“You know, I share every shit with you and you are so kind to listen to me” said she laughing.

"mmm..."

“Murali, how nice it would be if everyone speaks to me like you do - My roommates, our classmates, girls… Can you justify that they are correct .That there is nothing wrong with them, not talking to me well, looking at my past”

Silence.....
“I never talked to any guy feeling as close as I am talking to you now and… that is the reason why…” she whispered something and added, “I am relaxed now. I could share at least the least of my thoughts”.

“You can share the remaining tomorrow in the college”

“However, no need of tomorrow. I am completely relaxed now”. “hey… I think my balance is about to over…” she added smiling with a trace of depression in it.

“You want me to call?”

“It's okay…take care of yourself, I took some tablets just before...”

“What???”

“Don’t worry…prescribed by doctors of…”

“Oh…k. Shalini…I can just tell you one thing. Just take care of yourself. Your parents and I can’t be with you all the time. They are far away. They have lots of hopes on you and I can just stay with you in the college and till the evening…and…” he searched for some words which would not hurt her,” and…don’t repeat the things which you have created before”

“What are you saying about?” she asked with a depressed tone.

“Hey….don’t mistake me, I was just talking about your previous attempts”

“Heyyy…now you are reminding me to think of it” said she laughing, with a kind of excitation.

The phone got disconnected.
The next day, Murali was told that - she left two slips, on one of which written “prescribed by the doctors of heaven” and on the other slip written “Take care of yourself…I love you and I am sure this time, its true”. Murali read those words, many times, with tears in his eyes as he should know that they were for him.

The police enquired murali about certain things and took the details.

Her classmates pitied her, "he should have let her knew that he had the intention of marrying her", they whispered among themselves, "at least she would have the last hope".

"at least she would have the last hope...", Murali sighed deeply with anger, “who were the reason to ruin the last hope", and he screamed at the sky "get the hell out of here".

Silence...

(To be edited...)

-------@------

The story is based on a socio-sensitive issue, which is a cause for a vexed girl to commit suicide. I tried to give a picture to the story without directly mentioning the reason, of course, I failed in doing so.
I had thought from many years that - a person who commits suicide shall not dare to commit just for a single reason but when S/he obtains no support from this world. I tried to insist the same point without making a platform to think of it.
Writing this story was an experiment, I think I failed to succeed. :)

A Story...

2006-08-16T00:21:00.000-07:00

The dark sky was appearing as a hollow black board with its ends fixed to the land at the infinite point.The stars and the moon were covered by the clouds.

It was two in the morning. The hills and the valleys were appearing the same in the dark. There were some street lights twinkling, in the villages far away. The school was in a deep sleep. Rahul took his bed onto his shoulders, went up the stairs and reached the roof. "hmm..." he sighed deeply and looked at the cloudy sky. They were not the rain clouds, he hoped - It was the end of the rainy season. He went to the corner of the building and put his bed there and relaxed. Any other children, of his age, twelve years, would be frightened to atleast think of going alone to the roof. But he did that. It can be better said that they made him to do that. He was used to come there in the late nights and early mornings. He made his usual arrangements to the bed and decided to leave.

As he turned his head around, his eyes stared at something in the trees, long behind the dormatries. Something hid behind the trees, he thought and was frightened by it. As he tried to make it clear, he saw a big giant staring at him, making him the sensation as if he was coming out of the trees, towards him. Rahul was scared and became extremely nervous and anxious. He decided to move towards downstairs and lifted his foot to move but he could not take further step. Fear surrounded him. He closed his eyes and prayed the giant that he would be thankful if he let him alive. Suddenly he felt that, two hands held his shoulders tightly. It scared him to death. With the lost hope, this time, he prayed god take him to his mothers lap and opened his eyes and cried.

"rahul?", The night watchman, misore, put a question marked face, with raised eyebrows. He took the boy into his hands.

Rahul, without turning head from the watch-man, pointed his finger towards the giant he saw.

"ah...", laughed misore. He flashed his torch into the dark.
"Its the water tank, my boy", said he. "didn't you remember the tank at the back of generator room?".

It suddenly flashed in boy's mind that he did know that. Still he couldn't dare to turn his head.

"Misore, please take me down" he begged.

Misore laughed aloud. The boy felt the laugher better than the fear that was taking him to death.

"beta, we shouldn't get scared of anything. Death comes to us one day or the other day, so why fear?" said misore.

Rahul shoke at once knowing that he had to face death one day. He had read many books which described of those fearing of death and of those who faced the death with extreme pain.

"So... be brave", misore continued. "...and just face the dark like my torch light does. It goes till it can and till it dies." he flashed the torch again into the dark. The boy relaxed being cleared to himself that it was a water tank.

"Misore is not as bad as we think", rahul said to himself. He was used to him and now misore was no more a watch-man to him. They both went down the stairs and reached the boy's place. Misore enquired rahul of his bed, as he looked at the boy's cot, having no bed put on it.

Rahul got a bit anxious and said , "Its on the roof..."

"Why?"

"I wetted the bed", said he, in a low voice.

"Wet-bed!!...ha ha...ok...be brave my boy...speak aloud"

"...", rahul simled uneasily. He was not comfortable with his situation.

"Ok, Don't worry your pretty little head, there are some situations that we can do nothing but just getting habituated to them", and he asked the boy to have a good sleep and reminded him repeatedly to be brave . "have me in you ha ha", he loughed aloud and left the room.

Rahul relaxed on his cot, as misore left the room. He did not like misore speaking aloud. Misore should have understood me, he thought. He made sure that no body woke up with their conversation and felt more relaxed. With no thought for anything, he closed his eyes. It was three in the morning. (to be continued...)

------@------

This story is written as an attempt to see myself as a writer, which I have decided to be, especially after reading the writings of my friend, kartheek, by whom I was inspired to put my pen on a paper, with an intention to write something that I was not asked to. I think I could do well for I went through it many times before putting here... :)
And the purpose of my writing this story was purely to check my writing skills, so I would soon put and end to this adding a little meaning to it.
The story is of one hour. It is a story of a boy of twelve years old, who is much sensitive and not sensible.